


How can I?

by KuroCiel



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Other, Plane Crash, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-01-06 20:03:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroCiel/pseuds/KuroCiel
Summary: After a terrible plane crash, Nagisa is lost. He lost his most treasured person in his life and he can barely keep on living with the heart aching with every breath he takes. He goes everyday with the feeling of being a heavy burden to those around him and he also thinks of maybe taking his own life to be with his loved one. Will someone be able to save him?





	1. Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Please take notice of that Karma is dead. This story is about how Nagisa is able to move on after losing him in a plane crash. There will be flashbacks in shorter shots and some of them can be quite hurtful and still so cute.

It had already been a week since the funeral was completed. Everything had been silent in the house of Akabane. A day as today was something that usually would be the happiest time of the year. But now… it would never be the same again. Today was the 25th of December, but there was no longer a good reason for celebrating. The usual joy was gone. Only silence was the only thing that was known now. He was all alone in the living room, only sound of the wind outside the windows. The snow was falling along the mild wind.

Nagisa Shiota sat on the coach, which he had known the best of the last week. He had been sitting there the most of the time since he came home from that funeral. One person, whose birthday was today, was no longer by his side. It would ever happen again. His boyfriend, Karma Akabane had died.

The red haired boy would have turned 18 this year, but a plane crash took away his life. Nagisa had been living in his house for a few weeks before Karma went on his journey with his parents. Nagisa stayed at their home because of some problems with his mother. Karma had been away for two weeks before the crash. He was on his way home when it happened. Everything changed with one phone call.

_“Karma’s plane has crashed!”_

That moment was still haunting Nagisa. He remembered how he felt everything around him freeze, while his body started to feel heavy and finally fell to the floor. Karma’s uncle called Nagisa that evening. The uncle was the only person, Nagisa was in touch with while Karma and his family was away. The red head did not have much time while he was away. They had had a few conversations over Skype when it was possible.

It was not even planned when Karma was going home with that plane. He was supposed to come home 2 days later, but he wanted to come home earlier. Nagisa still remembered the reason. **_He_** _was the reason_. Karma wanted to have some alone time with his boyfriend and something like that, had never hurt more than it did now.

Even though he had cried a lot already, tears still fell. The thoughts of why Karma was with that plane pained him so agonizing. He felt that it was his entire fault. If Karma had not got on an earlier plane, he would still be here. The pain was so unbearable and Nagisa sobbed up with tears. He almost choked.

Soon after the crash, Karma’s parents came home. They had known about the crash from the moment it happened. They were devastated, but both of them knew that the news had broken their son-in-law as hard as themselves. They supported each other and helped Nagisa with the grieving the best way they could. But…

 

They could not help all the way.

 

Nagisa had only felt like a burden. He had always felt like that and after the accident, it became worse. Just like now. Nagisa sitting alone in the room, it was his best way of feeling all right and not like a burden. Karma’s parents were visiting the grave by the moment. He had been their only son. They were so affected, that they tried to hide it by showing all their love to Nagisa by giving him hugs every day, asking about his day or buy him gifts. This was only making the bluenette suffer more.

After the funeral. Nagisa lost it. He broke down. He was all alone in his room in the Akabane residence. The pain of losing Karma had just become too much for him.

 _“Never blame yourself. Okay?”_ They had always said. Even at the funeral, they said it to him because they had always known of his feelings. The burden he felt he was from the beginning, made it fall apart.

_Alone in a room, a knife in the hand. It was the only way for him to get rid of all painful feelings inside his head and down to somewhere bearable. The blood became visible in stripes. It fled very slowly down his arm. The wrists were red, but the pain was there and Nagisa felt his heavy head, go light in that moment._

He was now sitting, only looking down on those scars. They reminded him of how he could get rid of the pain. His strategy of getting rid of bad memories. Those memories that used to be the good ones. All those memories he had with Karma, were too much for him. Every time he remembered his smile. That wide grin with sometimes had seem haughty, but also gentle at many other moments. That smile was the worst. It hurt so much. The scars were still red, but they had healed. Nagisa was crying once again. It even hurt crying now. Even if the scars were there to prove that he tried to save himself, it was still hard to move on. It had only been a week.

_“Hey! Nagisa!”_

Another tear fell.

_“We haven’t seen each other for a while…”_

After the death of Koro-sensei, Karma was the only one, Nagisa ever talked to – so it was how they became close. It was also how they fell in love.

_“We have been together for a long time now… I was wondering… If we might be able to do it soon…”_

Nagisa smiled sadly at that memory. Karma wanted to have sex with him. They had only been dating for a short time, but it was hard for the red head to hold back. They did it soon after that memory. It was the most amazing time of his life. It is not even a secret that they did it many times after the first time. Karma was wild. Nagisa missed it so much.

“Nagisa! We’re home!”

Nagisa pulled down his sleeves to hide the scars on his wrists. He had never told them about it. He did not want to curse more pain. The Akabane parents came into the living room, finding it darkened and hard to see if Nagisa was there. The mother saw him sitting in the coach and walked over to sit beside him. She placed a hand on his shoulder.

“How are you today dear…?” she asked him. She and the father were so kind that it pained him hearing that concerned question. He smiled sadly and shook his head. He could not even lie to them anymore. It hurt even more if he did. The mother embraced him in a hug, trying to warm him. Nagisa just cried heavily again.

Karma’s father sat down on the other side of the boy and placed a hand the top of the bluenette’s head. Shortly patting him.

\-------------

The evening ended. The night swallowed the dark into blackness and the crescent moon was the only light source in the night. Nagisa sat in his bed, it was hard for him to be in the same bed as the two of them had been together. Sleeping together. Having sex in. He sighed heavily to himself. He looked out of the window, staring at the glowing moon. He felt less heavy this night compared to the others.

_“Nagisa-chan!”_

_“Don’t call me that…”_

Sometimes, Nagisa wished he had never gotten angry at Karma for the slightest things. The cross dressing at the least. He wished for the red head to do those things again. If it could bring the boy back, it would be worth it. Nagisa would do anything to get Karma back. Even exchange his life for his.

“I miss you so bad…” he whispered to himself and smiled at the moon for brightening his heart a bit. It shortly felt like Karma was watching him. The bluenette lied down and hid most of his body under the blanket. He watched a tree covered in snow move a bit in the wind. He relaxed more and his eyes became heavy. Fortunately, he fell asleep in a comfortable way.

The next morning the boy was sleeping soundly. He was not dreaming of anything bad. He did dream of Karma. It was common for a person who had lost a loved one, to dream of them for a long time. Nagisa dreamt of a loved memory between him and Karma.

 _“I love you…”_ Karma told him and kissed him. They were sitting on the beach in the evening. Watching the sunset, everything was perfect. Karma had invited him to one of his family’s private houses and the private beach was perfect for their dinner.

 _“Love you too, Karma…”_ Nagisa laughed and enjoyed the soft kisses. The red head pushed him into the carpet and made out with Nagisa. The two of them giggled with the sweetness gleamed out of the moment between them. It was such an enjoyable time.

 _“Nagisa…”_ The dreaming Nagisa heard Karma call his name.

“Karma…?” he called out in sleep.

 _“Nagisa”_ he groaned a little as the dream faded into darkness and soon he opened his eyes. The figure over him, red hair, male shade was shaking him. Nagisa could not believe it. _Karma!?_ Nagisa jumped up from the bed in a shock.

“Karma!” he exclaimed. His vision came clear and the person in front of him was not Karma. It was Karma’s father. A sense of hard disappointment hit him right at that moment.

“Nagisa? I am so sorry… I am not Karma…” the father said in a sad voice. Nagisa just nodded sadly and smiled a bit with his eyes looking down.

“I dreamt of him… so I thought… I’m sorry…” he said. The man in front of him sighed shortly before he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Don’t be… It’s okay…” he said with a wry smile and put a hand on top of the boy’s head. Nagisa gulped shortly at the touch. He kept silent without moving. “I came to wake you when you had slept for many hours. We thought you might be hungry…” Nagisa looked surprised up at him.

“How long did I sleep?” he asked.

“Well. It’s after noon. So you slept pretty long…” Nagisa was shocked, but somehow relieved as well. He had not slept this much since he got the terrible message. He smiled wryly.

“Seems like I got the sleep I needed…” he whispered. Karma’s father smiled a little more at that little whispering. He nodded and rose from the bed.

“We prepared something easy to consume. Come down when you’re dressed. Okay?” he said and smiled at the bluenette. Nagisa looked up at him shortly, the feeling of being a burden stroke him once again. He nodded and looked down again. The man nodded at the answer and left the room. Nagisa sighed heavily and felt heavy in his body once again. _Can I really do this? I am nothing, but a burden to your parents. My mother hasn’t even contacted me yet… It hurts._ He sighed once again and got out of bed.

The day went on in silence from the bluenette. The Akabane parents tried to have a conversation with him, but he did not feel like talking. They gave up and kept quiet. It was silent the lasting time of breakfast. As soon as Nagisa was finished, he asked if it was okay for him to leave.

He decided to go out on his own, trying to get his clear his thoughts and think of something else. He put on his jacket and boots on. It was snowing outside today as well. The white landscape was quite beautiful, but to the bluenette, it made it hard for him to be happy. He wanted to share this view with the Karma. He walked for a while before he felt himself shaking. He was freezing. He put his hands in his pockets to warm them, but suddenly felt something in his left pocket. He grabbed the item and took it out. He stopped in his tracks.

It was his phone.

It was off. It had been turned off since the accident. He did not want to talk to anybody and he still felt like it. His mother did not use his phone number the last weeks. She normally called him through the Akabane residence’ phone.

“Should I turn it on?” he asked himself and looked up. He glanced around the area. He was near the park that was not far from the station. He then looked down at his phone. He turned it on. Only a few seconds after being on, the phone vibrated like crazy. Messages, calls and voicemails. All was from different people. Kayano, Sugino, Nakamura, and some of the others from the E-class. Nagisa felt his heart ache and smiled sadly. _They tried to contact me…_

During the funeral, the whole class were present including their previous teachers. Nagisa could not take it all in at that moment. They all were so caring and sad about what had happened. He tried to keep calm, but every time Karma’s name was mentioned, it was like being stabbed directly into his heart. It hurt too much to talk about him. He did not talk to any of his classmates at that point.

He looked at the messages. They were all filled with concern and worries. Some of them even asked if he wanted to go out soon. Just to clear his thoughts. He sighed heavily as he tried to pull himself together to call one of them. He gulped as he dialed Kayano’s number. She deserved to get an answer more than the others.

It rang for a short while before the girl picked it up.

 _“Nagisa!? Is it really you!?”_ Nagisa smiled sadly and coughed shortly because of breathing wrong shortly.

“Yeah… It’s me. I saw your messages..”


	2. Letting people in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa has a little rough time until he gives into a meetup with Kayano. She helps him a lot.

Kayano ran as quick as she could when she finally made an arrangement with Nagisa. They were going to a café in town and the black haired girl was so worried about him. She had been scared the last week for not being able to get a hold of the bluenette. Now that she finally would get to see him again made her run as fast as possible. She hoped he was all right. They did not have a long conversation and only made a deal of meeting up. She came near the café.

Nagisa sat by the window, just looked down on the empty table he sat by. He held onto his sleeve. His thoughts were focus on how he should talk to Kayano. It had been a while since he had talked to anybody except Karma’s parents. He was nervous for how he would manage to get out with words that had been buried deep down inside of him. A memory suddenly appeared in his view.

_“Nagisa… How did you get that bruise?”_

Nagisa gulped as he remembered another time he had a tough time opening up to anyone. It also happened back when Nagisa told Karma about his mother’s way of treating him.

_“It’s nothing. I just tripped.”_

_“But Nagisa… That’s a handprint.”_

It was impossible back then. Impossible to hide it from Karma, when he had seen it.

He sighed and wondered if it was possible to do with those. He moved the sleeve of up a bit to see the dark-red cut marks on his wrist. He sighed and hid them again. He had to hide those. He did not want to concern any other person. It might lead to another faithful destiny. That thought made him press his fingernails into the sleeve where the scars were hidden. It hurt again. He somehow enjoyed the hurting and dug the nails deeper.

It was then he heard a female voice call out his name.

“Nagisa!”

Kayano had just entered the door and sprinted over to the bluenette. Nagisa flinched at her voice and quickly let go of his wrist.

The black haired girl panted a whole lot while she stared shocked at him. She looked at the boy, who was still facing the table. She calmed down after a bit more panting. She could already feel the sadness spread out from him through the atmosphere. She sighed heavily to calm down from all the rushing. She then took off her jacket and sat down in front of the boy. It took Nagisa some time to even look at her.

“I missed you…” She confessed sadly, leaned back into the seat. A nervous feeling struck her. How should she start a conversation? She had not even thought about what to say to him when they would finally meet up again. She fumbled with her fingers while being deep in her thoughts. Feeling her anxiety, he felt more easy to talk to the black haired girl. Nagisa smiled sadly at her.

“I missed you too…” he said. Kayano felt her whole body go light-weighted. Finally, she relaxed. He tried his best not to be too much of sulking wreck. She looked at him and smiled a little more as she felt secured. Still a bit unsure of what to say, she tried something out.

“H-how have you been?” she gulped a little. Nagisa did not say much. He opened his mouth but then closed it again as a waitress came over to their table.

“I see you finally had company. Would you two want to order anything?” she asked with a smile on her face. Kayano looked at her and ordered a soda. She looked at the bluenette who suddenly changed his mood. He smiled brightly at the waitress and ordered a cake with ice-cream. Kayano stared at him. When the woman left them after writing everything down, Nagisa’s face turned gloomy once again. The black haired girl sat for a moment and got pretty worried once again.

“Nagisa… What in the-“

“It’s easier to trick people I don’t know…” he cut her off with a wry smile. He looked at her shortly before turning he eyes to the window. He looked out at the once again falling snow. “It’s hard to do it with you… or the others… That is why I avoided contact for so long. I felt… yeah…” He looked at her once again. Kayano looked at him with a sad glance.

“I see… But. Are you doing better now?” she then asked. Nagisa thought hard about what to answer. He looked down at his arms and thoughts of the scars, which clearly told him that he was not doing better. Rather worse actually. He looked up again, smiled a little less sad, and lied.

“Yeah. It has been hard, but K-karma’s parents helped a lot…” The mention of Karma gave the bluenette a lump in the throat. It made him wanting to throw up. He hated saying his name. It hurt too much. Lying to Kayano was also painful, but either that or feeling like a burden, making her worry this much. Kayano sighed heavily relieved, taking in the lie, not knowing he was lying to her.

“Sounds good… I am so glad…” she said with a warm smile. The waitress came back with their orders. She left with a ‘here you go’. Nagisa grabbed a spoon and looked at the black haired girl.

“I was thinking… What have everyone been doing since… yeah… we last saw each other…?” he asked curiously, wanting to talk about something else. The girl looked at him and thought about it.

“Well… Most of them have been worrying about you, but otherwise. They have been busy with school or what they decided to do after E-class.” She answered with a wry smile, drinking a bit of her drink. Nagisa nodded even though knowing about how everyone worrying about him, made it a little painful to go on with a conversation.

“I-I see… How about you…?” Kayano looked surprised at him for asking about her. She blushed a bit.

“Well… I had a little hard time in the beginning. Worried about you most of the time… I did get to film a few advertisements the last few days. So… I finally got the energy to do something again. How about you? Have you done anything new? How about school?”

The mention of school shocked Nagisa. He had not been to school for over 3 weeks. He looked away and shook his head. He did not answer on the question with his voice, but Kayano understood. She smiled sadly.

They continued the small talk until the two of them finished their food. They exited the café and stood on the street.

“I hope you will be doing fine. You know you can call me anytime. Right?” Kayano said with a warm smile on her face. Nagisa returned the smile.

“Yes. I know…” he answered and faced a ground. She then hugged the boy out of the blue. The bluenette gasped shortly and then sighed with a smile. He returned the embrace, enjoying it for a short while. She then let go of him.

“I’ll see you soon then!” Kayano had actually taken time off to see him, but he meant too much for her not to find time for him. Nagisa waved at her as she hurried on. A great sense of relief left his body and he felt empty inside once again. It was like the nice and cozy time he had had with her, had been forgotten. He sighed sadly. He actually liked it, but now. It was gone. He turned to walk back to the Akabane residence.

On the way home, he was deep in thoughts. He felt so empty and yet so determined of a thing he wanted to do. He felt less heavy and had finally a will to do something.

He entered the main entrance and met a dark hallway. The only source of light came from living room. The light escaped an open door. Nagisa followed the light and the soft sobbing. Clearly coming from a woman. He walked as soundless as possible and then stood in the door. He stared at the two adult, sitting in the coach with candles lit on low table. The father had his arms around the mother while the both of them hid their faces in their shoulders. Nagisa froze at the sight of them and got nervous. He stood there for a moment until they looked up at him.

“Nagisa-chan…” the mother whispered, sobbing. Nagisa stood still while thinking. A feeling of uncertain trust came to him. He suddenly wanted to do something for the sake of them. His hand turned to a fist in front of his chest and he silently entered the living room. He gave in to some thoughts he had. _I want to honor Karma…_ He smiled sadly, but had a determined look on his face.

“We-welcome home, Kid. Sorry you had to see us like this.” The father apologized and let go of his wife, who nodded in agreement to the apology. Nagisa walked over to them in a shortly quick pace. He shook his head.

“Don’t… You seem to need it…” he said while having the determination outside. “I… I was thinking of… going to K-Karma’s grave… I did not go yesterday…” he said with a low voice. The two adults looked surprised at him.

“Are you sure?” the mother asked. Not sobbing anymore. Nagisa was sure. He had not seen the grave yet. After the funeral, he had not gone near the graveyard. The thoughts hurt too much. The thought of not visiting the grave yet and the one of not doing it on his late boyfriend’s birthday. It all pained him. He let his hand fall to his side and knuckled it.

“I never got to wish Karma happy birthday…  This year was our second year of our relationship. I… never…” he felt his throat drying and the palate hurt as tears started to form in his eyes. “I never got to say goodbye…” he started sobbing, lifting a hand to press the side of a fist against his forehead, hiding his eyes behind his bangs. Without him noticing, the parents rose from the coach and went to hug him.

“I never got to say goodbye…” it was the first time since the accident he had ever said out loud how much it pained him, that he never got to tell Karma this. There were also a lot of many other things he wanted to tell the boy. Nagisa gasped when he suddenly felt two pair of arms wrapping their touch around his little fragile body.

“We understand…” the mother said with a warm smile.

After calming down, the three of them opened to Karma’s shrine behind a pair of small doors. It had gotten too late for visiting the grave today, Nagisa agreed to do this for today.

Karma’s father got a new pair of candles and placed them perfectly by the picture of the red haired boy who was smirking at the time the picture was taken. Nagisa held an unlighted candle and let the mother turn on a match. She lit the candle in the bluenette’s hand. Nagisa then turned to the shrine and lit the other candles with his candle. He breathed out as they were all on. The three of them sat back and looked at the picture. Nagisa felt the tears come again, but all they did was falling. He did not make a sound. This one silent minute was for Karma. No one else.

After a few minutes of silence, a smile came to Nagisa’s face.

“Happy Birthday, Karma…” he said, another tear fell.

\-------------

Nagisa was sleeping in his bed. The small ceremony yesterday brightened his heart a lot. He finally felt that he had found the path to get up from his endless pit. Everything seemed brighter to him as he got out of bed on his own. He walked over to the curtains and pulled them to the side. It surprised him how much better he felt today. He smiled to himself as he looked out at the snow. A comforting energy flew through as he saw the snow glitter in the morning sun. He knew what to do next. He walked out in his nightwear and headed for the bathroom.

The bath was relaxing. The feeling of the warm water streaming down his pale, naked skin was astounding. His heart beat gently and slowly. He drove his fingers through his hair and sighed heavily. He enjoyed the bath, but some thoughts were on his mind. He wanted to see if he could go back to school now. He knew that he had to have something to do to forget the pain that was still deep inside of him. He could still feel it. Every time he thought of Karma.

He got out of the bath and got dressed. He looked around as he went out of the bathroom and looked for the parents. He got down to the kitchen where he saw the two of them eating breakfast.

“Nagisa-kun! Good morning kid.” The father smiled warmly at him. The mother looked up at the mention of the bluenette. She looked slightly concerned at him.

“Good morning.” The bluenette answered and went over to sit down in front of them.

“How are you today? Dear.” The mother asked. Nagisa looked at her with a warm smile.

Nagisa grabbed a bowl of rice that the father prepared for him. “I am actually pretty well today… It helped a lot yesterday. The mother nodded, relaxing a whole lot more.

They talked about going to the graveyard as promised from the day before. Nagisa was a bit nervous even if he was the one wanting to go. He was nervous for breaking down after finally recovering a bit.

They went by car and drove quite a way to get to the graveyard. They had a private graveyard for the family only. Nagisa was not surprised due to the amount of their money. They arrived by a big beautiful iron gate. They went past the gate and walked through a small garden – of course – covered in snow. Nagisa looked around, observing his surroundings. The way that they had their family buried was weird to Nagisa. It was not the usual Japanese way with all the graves in a small area. This area was big… and green in the summer. They walked and came to a secluded area with a few western style gravestones. Nagisa looked and noticed the biggest one had Karma’s name on it. He felt his whole world freeze. He did not see anything around him but that big stone.

‘Akabane Karma’ Written in Kanji. Nagisa felt sick all of a sudden and covered his mouth. He bended over at feeling of wanting to vomit. He then felt the tears start streaming once again. _Dammit… Why do I have to cry again!?_ Nagisa cursed himself, but then the world around him became light as a touch on his shoulder brought him back. The nauseous feeling suddenly disappeared.

“Are you okay?” it was Karma’s father. The bluenette nodded and could now only feel the tears stream down his face. He smiled sadly.

“Karma… I am finally here…”


	3. Preparing for School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nagisa meets up with Kayano and gets to know of how the others have been worried about him. He is also preparing himself for finally going back to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might hurt quite a bit... xD

The visit at the graveyard was hard for Nagisa in the beginning. He looked at the all the flowers that were left behind. Some of them very fresh, others had been killed by the frost. Karma’s father corrected some of the flowers’ positions and removed some of the snow, covering the stones. Nagisa had calmed down and just looked at the hiragana, telling how loved the red haired boy had been and still was.

“I think we should get back… It is almost time for lunch.” The father said, getting a nod from the red haired mother. They both looked at Nagisa to see if he was ready to go.

“I’ll be there in a minute…” he was still only looking at the gravestone. The two of them nodded and started walking away from the grave place. He shortly looked at their way and then took a single step forward.

“Hey…” he whispered with a sad smile on his face. He grabbed his sleeve. “I have been thinking a lot of you. You really hurt me this time…” he giggled a little to himself. He was referring to all those times the red head had bullied him or picked on him for fun. He breathed out before continuing his little talk. “Karma… It’s way too hard without you… I don’t know if I will ever be able to move on. I…”

Nagisa gasped as he tried to hold in his sobbing that started once again.

“I hurt myself, hoping for the mental pain to go away…” he confessed. “It did not help that much. Why did you leave me!? Why!?” he suddenly started shouting while the tears fled. He cried out for the hundred time in the process. “I never got to say goodbye... Why did the world have to be so cruel… Taking so many lives and then pull you with it… it’s unfair…” he cried out.

The crying lasted for a while. He sighed heavily as he had finally gotten out with the frustration he had hid deep down inside of the broken heart. He felt better. He then smiled to himself.

“But… I will try my best to get better. I promise you… I finally figured out that school might help me on the way.” he finished before crouching in front of the big stone.

“I really hope you went fast. No pain.” He smiled sadly and bended his head down.

“Thank you so much for every moment we spent together.”

“I love you…” He rose and started heading back to the parents who were waiting for him.

 --------

On the ride back home, Nagisa told the parents that he wanted to start in school again. At first, the mother was nervous for him, jumping out in something that might not be so good for him so fast after such a break down. He convinced the two adults in why it would be good for him. They agreed after the good explanation. It was arranged for Nagisa to start right after the New Year.

The feeling of knowing that he would be starting at school again was great, but something bugged him. Every time he thought he was doing better, he had a break down. He had too much time on his hands to keep himself occupied. The time was like a roller coaster. Ups and downs. The time went by slowly. He had a few times where he met up with his old classmates, but he felt exhausted as soon as he got home and spent most of his time in his room.

It was now the day before Nagisa’s first school day after the accident. He was nervous. Well that was an understatement. He was terrified. He sat on his bed with his hands resting on his lap. He looked down. He had a dream last night and it had given him a throwback. He dreamt of his time in E-class. When he woke up, he remembered that he would never get to have those moments ever again. He gulped, trying to hold back new tears.

“How can I go to school without having a break down?” he asked himself and scratched his neck. He then pulled up his sleeve on his left arm and looked at the old scars. _They have not healed yet…_ He shortly felt happy about the winter outside. It made it easier for him to wear clothing with long sleeves. He sighed shortly while pulling the sleeve down again. Even if he was not feeling bad, he still felt like hurting himself. It was like having cravings. He rose from the bed and went down to the kitchen.

“Nagisa-kun! Are you ready for tomorrow?”

It was Karma’s father. He was getting ready for a long travel. Nagisa was not sure, but it seemed like the decision of the bluenette go back to school gave the parents energy back to work again. It made him feel bad now that he was having second thoughts. However, he kept it too himself to prevent worrying them.

“Yeah!” he answered with a warm smile and grabbed a bun to eat. The mother came into the kitchen with a bigger bag.

“Honey, have you gotten the- Nagisa-chan!” she smiled warmly, put the bag on the floor and hugged him. He returned the hug while chuckling.

“Good morning.”

She asked him the very same question and he answered with the same answer. The parents were on their way to Kyoto. They were going to be away for 3 days. It was like a break for Nagisa. He would have to take care of himself when he would come home from school.

He had no intention to return home to his mother, now that the Akabanes were treating him like their own kid. His mother had not contacted him at all, which was heart breaking at many points. Every thought that went through his head, was affecting him in various ways and coursed some of his breakdowns.

The morning went by fast as Nagisa for once, enjoyed himself with them. They were going in the evening to be in Kyoto by eight in the evening. They were going to the airport by six.

\-----------

“Nagisa… Are you going to be alright?” the mother asked as they stood by the car in the driveway. Nagisa looked up at them and nodded. The father put the baggage in the car.

“I will be fine. There is a lot going on for the next days, so coming home to be on my own with strengthen me a bit.” He said with certain tone in his voice. The woman smiled warmly and nodded before hugging him. The father came over to them.

“The car is ready.” He then looked at the bluenette with a smile.

“I have put some money aside for you. For you can buy food on your own. If you need more, just contact us on the phone number that you find on the fridge.” Nagisa nodded, as he understood. He got a hug from the father as well and he then saw the two of them enter the car and drove away.

Nagisa gave out a loud sigh and went inside once again. He went up to his room. Even if the parents had been home most of the time after the accident, it felt like nothing had changed. They were never loud when they talked downstairs. Even if he had been sure that it would okay for him to be home alone, it felt uncomfortable to know that there was nobody near him. He groaned at his own unsecure feeling. He went to his room to sleep away the feelings that bothered him, but he did not manage to. Too many thoughts of how school would go tomorrow. Would he be able to keep his emotions down? Why did his mother not contact him? Was it a good idea for him to start as school? How would the others treat him? The thoughts went on from then. He grabbed his wrist with the tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes. The pain came forward again.

“Karma… How can I do all this without you?” he talked to himself, hoping for the red head to hear him. “ _Karma…._ ” He whispered as he closed the eyes. The craving for getting his hidden knife forward, was getting stronger for every minute. He pulled up the sleeves to look at the scars. He tried to remind himself of that it was not necessary to do anything. He groaned and threw himself into the bed. He grabbed onto his hair and pulled in it.

“Karma…”

_“Nagisa…”_

“Karma!!” the boy screamed out in pain and cried out loudly. It was the first time ever he had the chance to scream out the pain with the knowledge of no one could hear him. It was like having an orgasm to finally letting it all outside. He cried for a while. He comfort of the duvet under him, made him drowsy. He sobbed slowly after calming down. He slowly drifted into unconsciousness.

In another unpleasant atmosphere, the bluenette had one of the dream he hated the most.

_Karma…?_

_Karma was showing himself to him. Nagisa was not sure if he was dreaming, or dying. He suddenly saw himself standing on a flower-covered hill and the red haired boy was standing right in front of him._

_“Karma?” Nagisa could not believe it. His dead lover was standing right in front of him with a smirk on his face._

_“Yup. Missed me?” the boy gave out a more gentle smile with his mercury eyes dim with a glitch under the sunshine. Nagisa felt his heart skip a beat and ran to him. Karma opened his arms to greet him and was met with a warm pair of skinny arms around his torso._

_“Karma! Karma…! I miss you so much!” the bluenette cried out. Everything was so real that Nagisa believed that his long gone lover was really there with him. Karma held his arms around the little boy and was more than happy to finally seeing his precious boyfriend that he had left behind._

_“Nagisa…” the red head said with a smirk and pulled away to see the bluenette’s face properly. Nagisa pulled back and looked up at Karma. He smiled warmly and saw the red haired boy’s face come closer. He closed his eyes and felt their lips touch. The two of them melted in the sensation was came over them. Karma was quick to let his tongue force its way inside of the bluenette’s mouth. Nagisa moaned shortly while trying to keep up with the red head. He finally caught on and let their tongues dance with joy and movement._

_“Ngh…” Nagisa grabbed onto Karma’s shirt and kept him close while they continued making out. All of a sudden, Karma shoved the two of them gently down to lie on the grass. The sun was setting, making the right mood for what was obviously going to happen._

_Nagisa felt his body against the dirt and soft green substance. The body over him pulled away shortly and it was then, the bluenette felt something grabbed his southern part of the torso. He gasped. While kissing French style with his partner, Karma had taken his hand down to the bluenette’s member and rubbed his flat palm over it in attempt to turn him on._

_“K-Karma… ah-“_

_Nagisa trying to complain shortly, but then the feelings of missing this over-floated him by the second. The red head enjoyed himself and kissed the bluenette’s chin after letting go of the boy’s mouth. He wanted to go furtherer. Nagisa locked the red head with his arms to show him that he was allowed to continue. Karma understood and started opening his shirt and drove a hand over his chest. He was ready to open his pants, but-_

*RING*

The dream ended in a second and Nagisa shut open his eyes with a gasp. He woke up to a ringing sound and sat up. He looked to his side and saw it was his phone that told him that is was about to run out of battery. A smile formed on his mouth for a moment and threw himself into the bed again. He felt the seal on his eyes surrender and the tears streamed down his cheeks. He covered his face with his hands and sobbed gently.

The evening had arrived before he knew it. A sigh left his mouth as he had calmed down and wanted to do something before going to bed again. He had to get up early tomorrow. He sat up, grabbed his phone and put in the recharger. He walked down to the empty kitchen and looked around in the cold room. He suddenly heard a growling sound, only to find out that it came from himself. He was hungry…

He did not feel like eating.

He left the room and went in the living room where the little shrine was. He sighed heavily as he sat down in front of it while the tears still felt silently. He opened the small door to the shrine and saw the picture of Karma once again. He sobbed once again.

“Karma… You are really a tease. I hate y-… Ugh. I just loved you so much… It hurts…” he sobbed and smiled sadly while using his lower part of his palm to dry away the tears.

“It hurts so much…”

He sat in front of the shrine before feeling tired once again. He lied down on the floor and kept his look at the picture. He felt his eyelids get heavy.

“I want _you back_ …” he whispered while falling asleep.

_“Nagi-“_

“Huh?”

_“Nagisa…”_

“Karma…”

This dream was not a happy one. He sat inside a cabin of an airplane. He looked around to see where he was sitting when it came to areas of the plane. He looked to his side where a woman was sitting. He asked her where they were heading, but then woman did not answer him. She was reading a magazine. He sighed shortly and asked once again. She did not react at all. He sighed heavily and rose from the seat he was sitting in, He turned to look at the seat to make sure he did not leave anything, it was then he saw Karma sit in that very same seat. Nagisa froze in shock. He felt the cold run up his spine. He could not move his body an inch and just stared shocked at the red head who just sat there and smirked at something that showed on the phone in his hand. Nagisa finally felt his body get back its lost senses. He then reached out to the red head.

“K-Karma?”

Karma leaned back in his seat and turned his face to look directly at the bluenette. Nagisa gulped. The red head then smiled warmly. Nagisa felt his skip a beat and grabbed his shirt.

“Ka-“

“Your order, sir Akabane.”

Nagisa suddenly got a plate through his stomach.

Nagisa gasped as he sat up in a set. He looked around while panting. He had a nightmare. Even if he did not remember it clearly, he could feel that it was a nightmare. He was so frightened that he did not dare to try to remember it. He looked at what was in front of him and saw the shrine. He sighed shortly and close the doors for it.

“Karma…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been a looooooong time, but almost nobody has read it anyway xD I just love putting our little bluenette in pain. I will be slow at updating as long as I don't get any reviews or anything.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be sure to tell me what you think. I wanna keep the fandom alive as far as possible <3


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